Frequently Asked Questions
Frequently Asked Questions
About the Bureau & The Products
What is the Fairway Evidence Bureau and what do you actually sell?
The Fairway Evidence Bureau is an entirely official-looking organization dedicated to documenting, preserving, and mailing evidence of golf crimes to the golfers who committed them.
In practical terms: we sell personalized prank gifts for golfers. You tell us who the offender is, what they did, and where it happened. We assemble an official-looking evidence package — complete with chain of custody paperwork, a sealed golf ball specimen, and a personalized note card — and ship it directly to them (or to you, to hand-deliver for maximum impact).
It is, to our knowledge, the most official-looking "you played terribly" gift available anywhere.
What is The Citation?
The Citation is the Bureau's standard-issue accountability instrument. It includes:
- A real golf ball sealed in a clear 4×6" specimen ziplock bag
- A brown paper evidence bag (5⅛ × 3¼ × 9½") pre-printed with EVIDENCE and CHAIN OF CUSTODY headers — completed with the golfer's name, course, hole, and offense
- A personalized note card on cream parchment in handwriting-style font
- Shipped in a kraft bubble mailer with official F.E.B. seal
Price: $14.99
The Citation is the quick roast. The "I saw this and had to send it" gift. Ships fast, costs under $15, and arrives looking exactly like what it claims to be.
What is The Exhibit?
The Exhibit is the Bureau's premium evidence package — everything in The Citation, elevated into a permanent keepsake. It includes:
- A real golf ball sealed inside a clear plastic display cylinder tube (like a specimen tube — built for a shelf)
- A medium brown paper evidence bag (7 × 4 × 13½") completed with chain of custody fields
- A personalized note card on cream parchment
- A kraft gift box with dark green crinkle fill and F.E.B. seal sticker
- Optional: a Chain of Custody hanging tag for maximum authenticity
Price: $24.99
The Exhibit is the permanent record. The desk trophy. The evidence that follows them forever. For $10 more than The Citation, you turn a laugh into a legacy.
What's the difference? Help me choose.
If you're sending a casual "I saw this and thought of you" gift — The Citation.
If you want something they'll put on their desk and explain to people for years — The Exhibit.
Customization
How do I personalize the package?
During checkout, you'll be asked to provide:
- The golfer's full name — this goes on the chain of custody record
- The course name — where the incident occurred (or "Various Locations" if chronic)
- The hole number — if applicable (or "Multiple Holes, Pattern of Behavior")
- The specific offense — lost ball, aggressive mulligan use, suspicious scorecard, club throwing, poor sportsmanship, etc. Be creative. The Bureau has no judgment.
- Your personal note — choose from our pre-written templates or write your own (up to 300 characters)
Can I write my own message on the note card?
Yes. During checkout, select "Write Your Own" and provide your message in the notes field. The Bureau will format your text in handwriting-style script on cream parchment stationery, presented as official Bureau correspondence with letterhead and seal.
Character limit: 300 characters. Keep it devastating. The Bureau recommends specificity.
Do you offer pre-written note card templates?
Yes — the Bureau provides templates covering: The Classic Citation, The Reluctant Witness, The Birthday Roast, The Retirement Filing, The Father's Day Special, and Write Your Own. Exhibit orders include two additional templates: The Permanent Record and The Trophy Speech.
All templates are starting guides — you can edit and customize any template to make it your own.
Can I choose a specific "offense" or do you have a list?
You may write any offense you wish — the field is freeform. The Bureau has processed citations for offenses including: lost ball on a straight par 3, aggressive mulligan usage, disputed handicap, failure to acknowledge a bad shot, club-related misconduct, creative scorekeeping, unsolicited swing advice, and "general conduct unbecoming the game."
The Bureau does not judge. The Bureau only documents.
Shipping & Delivery
How long does it take to receive my order?
- Processing: 1–2 business days to hand-assemble and package your order
- Standard Shipping (USPS First Class/Ground Advantage): 3–5 business days after processing
- Expedited Shipping: 1–2 business days after processing (available at checkout)
For time-sensitive golf crimes — upcoming tournaments, birthdays, retirements — we recommend placing your order at least 5–7 days in advance under standard shipping, or selecting expedited at checkout.
Can I ship directly to the golfer (as a surprise)?
Yes. In fact, this is encouraged. During checkout, enter the golfer's address as the shipping address. The package will arrive looking exactly like official correspondence from a government bureau. The sender's name on the return label will read "Fairway Evidence Bureau." No other context provided.
Their reaction, when they open it and find their name on the chain of custody form, is entirely your responsibility.
Product Details
Is the golf ball real? What kind is it?
Yes, the golf ball is real. All balls are scuffed/mud Titleist Pro V1s — because real evidence isn't pristine. If you have a custom request for the ball sent or want to mail us a certain ball, please reach out to us.
Does The Exhibit come gift-ready, or do I need to wrap it?
The Exhibit arrives gift-ready. The kraft gift box with dark green crinkle fill and F.E.B. seal sticker is the presentation — no additional wrapping required. You can hand it to them exactly as it arrives.
The Citation, packaged in the kraft bubble mailer, is less ceremonial by design. The Citation is meant to arrive looking like official mail, not a gift. That ambiguity is part of the experience.
Orders, Returns & Bulk
What is your return policy?
Because every order is personalized to a specific golfer, specific offense, and specific message, the Bureau cannot accept returns on the basis of "they didn't deserve it" or "I changed my mind about the offense."
If your order arrived damaged, incorrectly assembled, or with a processing error, contact the Bureau and we will sort it immediately.
The Bureau stands behind its work. The golfer's dignity is a separate matter.
Do you offer bulk or group orders for golf tournaments?
Yes. The Bureau processes bulk orders for golf tournaments, corporate outings, charity scrambles, and annual golf trips with great enthusiasm.
Popular applications include: tournament prizes (last place, most lost balls, worst individual hole), corporate golf day gag awards, annual trip "awards ceremony" gifts, and group birthday roasts for the golfer in the office.
For bulk orders of 5 or more, contact us for pricing and coordination. We'll need the golfer-specific details for each package. The Bureau recommends this level of accountability for any group of four or more.
Have a question the Bureau hasn't answered? Contact us at febgolf@gmail.com. We respond within one business day, probably with more clinical precision than the situation requires.